Army opens Klobuchar Center of Excellence

FORT JACKSON, SC — The U.S. Army marked the opening of the Klobuchar Center of Excellence today with a ribbon-cutting ceremony at Fort Jackson’s Drill Sergeant School.

The facility, named after Minnesota Sen. Amy Klobuchar, will provide the Army’s drill sergeant school a facility to “better instruct candidates on leadership, mental health awareness, and the handling of millennial age Soldiers in the 21st century.”

“We couldn’t think of a better role model for the Army’s future drill sergeants,” said Maj. William Morrison, public affairs officer for the Army’s Drill Sergeant School. “After meeting with her, she sat me down and aggressively convinced me that there was no other option, uh, I mean, a better person, to name our facility after. She totally did not scare, harass or intimidate me into doing this, for the record.”

Klobuchar, whose tough leadership style has been the subject of multiple reports, was on-site to cut the ceremonial ribbon as well as discuss the new “Klochubar Curriculum,” which will be exclusively taught at the new facility.

“This type of education and job training is similar to my Senatorial internship program — tough, hard-nosed, and will make you question your entire existence as a human being,” Klochubar said. “Also, did you know I was running for president? Write that down.”

When further asked by reporters about her leadership style, Klochubar was initially apprehensive to share.

“It’s called being ‘Minnesota nice,’ you idiot,” she said. “Did all the humidity down here get to your brain? Jesus Christ, it is hot out. Somebody should fix this.”

Additional details about the curriculum were not immediately made available, but the following modules were outlined in the unit’s upcoming training schedule:

Crisis Administration Getting In Tune With Your Millennial Soldiers Expecting Complete Perfection Out of the Recently Graduated Using Humiliation for Cognitive Development Ruining Young Lives in the 21st Century Publicly Shaming your Soldiers Your Soldiers Aren’t Actually Tired, You Just Suck at Motivating Eating Salad with a Comb

Similar to basic training, candidates will be put through a field training exercise where they will be evaluated on their leadership skills and overall mental toughness.

“This program and this facility weren’t created to help people make friends, or even put them in a position to succeed professionally. It was created to separate the weak from the strong,” Klochubar said, lighting up a cigarette. “Is it tough? Absolutely. Is it over the line? Possibly. Does my leadership methodology cause a lifetime of mental trauma? Probably, but get over it.”