By Red Friday

WASHINGTON — The Army announced on Wednesday it had opened a new leadership school to teach officers how to be better Yes Men.

“I'm proud to announce the opening of the Yes Men Center of Excellence,” said Army Chief Of Staff Gen. James McConville. “It is important that our officers learn to cater to their superior's every whim. The training here will continue to drive out our best talent and leave us wallowing in mediocrity for decades to come.”

According to sources, the school was conceived after Gen. Pat Donahoe said one day in passing, “it’s like these guys were taught to say yes to everything.” A training program was then developed and a schoolhouse was built on Fort Benning before Donahoe’s aides realized he didn’t actually believe yes men were a good thing.

“At that point, we'd spent too much money to question what we were doing,” said Capt. Lucy Stone. “It only took another $37 billion and hundreds of yes men to complete.”

The Yes Men Center of Excellence curriculum is designed to crush any optimism, hope, or desire to make any changes to a bloated and broken system. Classes such as “Yes, that's a great idea,” “This should be an acronym,” and “Haha! Sir, you're so funny,” will ensure that the worst ideas from staff officers will be implemented as fast as possible. There will also be a hands-on training program for yes men to practice pencil whipping and aggressive nodding in agreement. 

“Before the class, I was just a brown noser,” said Capt. Rodger Slade. “I’d compliment the colonel on his weird taste in 1970s Christian metal bands and buy the same travel mugs he had, no problem.”

“Now I won’t even raise a token objection to terrible ideas that will get my men killed,” said Slade. “After these intensive courses, I am physically incapable of shaking my head ‘no.’”

At press time, Navy admirals were scrambling to copy the Army's concept and add a class about enthusiastically pretending to like their new uniforms.