THE PENTAGON — After coming under fire from offended social media users for tweeting about "chinks" in its spec ops' digital and physical armor, the Army recently released a list of other innocuous phrases it will eliminate from its lexicon in order not to inadvertently trigger an outrage addicted American public.
Lt. Col. Alayne Conway, an Army public affairs officer, said the service wanted to assure the public it wasn't trying to be offensive and is going out of its way to remain sensitive to a diverse online community.
"The Army not only wants to be America's battlefield warriors," said Conway. "This step will show our efforts to be social justice warriors as well."
Duffel Blog obtained a partial list of banned phrases:
"There's a little nip in the air." — Although this idiom actually has to do with a cold feeling or cold weather, the Army feels it has already alienated the Asian community and is fearful of enraging extremely small Japanese pilots.
"Hit the slopes." — Mountain warfare units conducting skiing training as part cold weather packages will no longer use this phrase for fear of inciting violence against soldiers of Asian ancestry (besides, those guys all know kung fu).
The Army went even further with its self censorship to be more inclusive of the feels of other minority groups as well as Asians:
"Colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra." — The Army has banned this phrase in the event pagans and Wiccans find this idiom offensive and unleash hordes of flying monkeys onto the internet.
"We need to understand the second and third order of effects our on line remarks may have," said Conway. "Banning this phrase will also protect the Army from an outraged lingerie industry and metal workers unions."
"Bang for the buck." — Originating in the defense procurement field as a reference to getting the best value for the taxpayer's dollar, the Army will no longer use this phrase. The service wants to prevent the unhinged rage of radical feminists who will feel this references bargain basement prostitution services degrading to women.
"Slit trench." — Though this term is defined as a defensive fighting position, just no, hell no.
"Shoot the closest alligator to the boat." — It is feared this term, meaning to deal with the most urgent problem first, will so infuriate members of PETA it may cause them to choke on their buckwheat and alfalfa lattes.
"Twitter's immediacy is a real danger and we don't need the lawsuit," said Conway. "We're also considering banning all football terminology as it may incite domestic violence."