Staff Major Really Looking Forward To Proofing Your Slides

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Maj. Tom Norton, Assistant S3 at Division, simply cannot wait to see and proofread your PowerPoint slides, even though it is a Friday afternoon, his eleventh wedding anniversary, and his wife is waiting at home wearing nothing but a bottle of Oban and a pair of Jimmy Choos, sources confirmed moments ago.

“I’m in no hurry,” said Norton, 33, a decorated combat veteran of both OIF and OEF who you often publicly deride as a "staff weenie," and who commanded an Infantry company in Afghanistan for fourteen months. “It’s not like I have anything better to do. This is the most important job I've ever had.”

Norton is happy to cool his heels in his cubicle diddling around on Facebook while he waits, sources confirmed.

The slides in question are over 36 hours overdue, and are critical to Norton’s task of populating yet another slideshow for a brief to higher headquarters next month.

This larger brief is not decisional, and will be a source of great interest and attention to the general until Slide 9 of 85. At this slide, the general will receive a call on his Blackberry from his mistress, a captain in Transportation, and Maj. Norton’s boss, the Division G3, will be ordered to continue briefing while the General steps out. The G3 will spend the next hour briefing an empty chair and will arrive at the Summary slide just in time for the general to slip back in and resume his seat.

“It’s actually no big deal,” Norton confided, spitting a few shells from his bacon-seasoned sunflower seeds into a Steelers coffee mug. “I’m sure that Katie will understand that I had to wait until 2000 for you to turn in your slides so I could format them for my presentation. That will only take me an hour or so. As long as I’m home in time to catch her falling asleep with an empty tub of Chubby Hubby, watching The Notebook in her granny panties and sweatsocks, we’re still golden.”

At press time, your commander was still forcing you to go back to your desk to realign all the text blocks and graphs on the slides, despite the fact that literally the only person who will ever see this is Maj. Norton, when he is copy-pasting data from your slides into his.

DON'T MISS: Army Study Proves Majors Worse Than 2nd Lieutenants »