God Strikes Down Ranger School For Allowing Women
EGLIN AIR FORCE BASE, Fla. — The Almighty God answered prayers from around the nation begging for women to be removed from Ranger school on late Wednesday afternoon by striking down more than 40 students training in Florida with a swift and furious vengeance, sources within Heaven confirmed.
The two female Ranger trainees were not present at the site at the time and are safe at least for the time being, though more than ten students and instructors remained hospitalized with non life-threatening injuries, according to sources.
"I think it's obvious the statement made here," said Franklin Graham, an evangelist and unofficial public affairs officer for God. "People have prayed and pleaded, and God has answered."
Duffel Blog reached out to God's office for a statement, but the Alpha and the Omega declined to comment.
"I told em! I told everyone that would listen!" said Spc. Levi McCoy, a wheeled vehicle mechanic who has served for 16 years with the U.S. Army Reserves in West Virginia. "I knew lettin' them womenfolk into Ranger School was a bad idea. God didn't make women to be eatin' snakes and such. And you go wanderin' outside the path he done set for ya and he's gonna fix ya. Now this? This is one of them signs. A warning. And them folk over at the school better start listening."
While he expressed disappointment that God would smite the school, Col. David Fivecoat, the commander of the Airborne and Ranger Training Brigade, said that it would take much more to stop Rangers. Soldiers who complete the school are expected to be able to operate at a high level even while dirty, starving, sleep-deprived, shot in the face, angry at their cheating wife, or sad about the death of their pet goldfish "Mickey."
"I think it's going to take more than lightning to stop any Ranger I churn out of this school," Fivecoat said. "It takes a lot more than God's will to go up against a Ranger and win. Surrender is not a Ranger word."
The class is scheduled to graduate on Aug. 21, provided there are no further delays or incidents.
This includes the female students, assuming they pass the new Advanced Sexual Harassment phase of the school. During the electrical storm, they were attempting to implement the new skills they learned in practical exercises, ensuring that they would be able to sexually harass fellow soldiers up to the high standards set by other Rangers once they return to their infantry unit.