Army replaces benefits with rolled sleeves

THE PENTAGON – The U.S. Army announced yesterday that it will replace all service-earned benefits with allowing soldiers to roll their sleeves.

“We’ve thought about this for a long time and it’s just the right thing to do,” said Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley as he pointed at a poorly-drawn bar chart on his desk.

“It also just so happens that the higher the sleeves go, the more benefits are cut, BAH? Forget about it, retirement? No.”

During a ten-day test period at the immense military complex of Fort Hood in Texas, soldiers were ecstatic about the possibility of being able to roll their sleeves during the hot summer months in a state where temperatures can sometimes reach upwards of 110 degrees.

However, many were completely unaware of the proposed changes to earned benefits that included an end to basic allowance for housing (BAH), which covers the cost of housing for military members. Still, others were aware but chose to revel in the possibility of being able to finally expose their forearms.

“Maybe once the euphoria of being able to roll my sleeves wears off and and the VA refuses my Melanoma claims then I’ll feel bad,” said Sgt. 1st Class Jonathan Yues. “Right now, I’m just doing a shit ton of bicep curls.”

Soldiers across the country shared the same sentiment, and many have been following the story closely while waiting for the final decision from the Chief of Staff of the Army Gen. Mark Milley and Sgt. Maj. of the Army Dan Dailey.

“It’s certainly an exciting time in the Army,” Dailey said. “Soldiers are definitely excited about their options. Camo in, BAH in or camo out, BAH out. Camo in, ISIS in or camo out, ISIS out for a bit.”

He added: “The possibilities are endless.”