Army Reserve Raises Terror Threat Level To 'Meh'

THE PENTAGON — The Army Reserve today elevated their terror threat level to "Meh," increasing it from level "*Yawn" for the first time in over two years. The increase in threat level puts Reservists on higher alert for potential attacks and calls for increased security measures.

The increased threat level is in response to recent terrorist attacks in Paris, San Bernardino, and a recruiting center and Naval Reserve Center in Chattanooga. Officials emphasize the response is unrelated to recent terrorist attacks in Mali, Lebanon, Syria, Nigeria, Niger, Iraq, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Chad, Egypt, Tunisia, Cameroon, Somalia, Turkey, and Yemen.

"We don't really care about those," said a senior official at the Pentagon, referencing terrorist attacks carried out by Islamic jihadists in non-Western countries in the last three months.

The "Meh" level of terror alertness calls for unarmed Reservists to stand gate guard at Reserve Training Centers during drill weekends, checking the identification of everyone who attempts to enter the facility.

"One of my primary objectives, right behind working to cut expenditures due to budget restraints, is ensuring our personnel are safe," said Lt. Gen. Jeffrey Talley, Chief of the Army Reserve. "It is very difficult for potential terrorists to carry out attacks on unarmed Reserve personnel without first showing proper identification to those personnel."

Precautionary measures such as these were not called for on terror level "*Yawn," in which no unarmed gate guard was authorized and random strangers could freely enter training facilities. "*Yawn" has been the de facto default terror level since the alert system was implemented following the 9/11 attacks.

The threat has never been reduced to "Zzzzzzzz," in which information with drill dates and the number of anticipated attendees at each training center are posted on social media along with a cartoon depicting the Prophet Muhammad.

"It's important that we anticipate threats and be proactive in implementing security measures instead of reactive," said Talley. "No one wants to have to exercise 20/20 hindsight and say 'Gee, we should have provided better security' after a few dozen or hundred Reservists are killed in a terrorist attack on a drill weekend."

"But I don't see that happening," added Talley.

The terror threat has rarely been raised to threat level "Bah," in which the Pentagon conducts a cost-benefit analysis of supplying the Army Reserve with ammunition, and has never been raised to threat level 'LOLzers,' in which Reservists don't show up to drill at all. Despite never reaching level 'LOLzers,' many Reservists are already implementing its security procedures "out of an abundance of caution."