By Cat Astronaut

The Army has revised its long-held policy on winning wars after the Biden administration announced all U.S. troops would leave Afghanistan by September 11, 2021. Officials say new regulations allow all general officers to plank for two minutes in lieu of a decisive victory in a war that has lasted nearly 20 years.

“It’s important that our combat performance accounts for the strategic, intellectual, and physiological differences between our leadership and the Taliban’s,” said Acting Secretary of the Army John E. Whitley. “Just because our generals don’t have the ability to defeat a third world enemy with a budget the size of four-and-a-half F-35s doesn’t mean they don’t have what it takes to wear the uniform.”

Though Army officials acknowledged that winning a war once in a while is certainly a good measure of a general’s fitness, they said war does nothing to measure core isometric strength and stability the way the plank does.