Army shuts down specialists’ Barracks Autonomous Zone

FORT HOOD, Texas — Acting on a tip, agents from the Army’s Criminal Investigation Command arrested a group of specialists who occupied a barracks and declared it “autonomous from unrighteous laws and terrible torture such as adhering to the UCMJ, performing PT and eating at the DFAC.”

OBAZ, which stands for Occupied Barracks Autonomous Zone, was created by the shadowy “E-4 Mafia,” long presumed to be responsible for cancelled PT tests, destruction of criminal charging sheets, and the general state of malaise and incompetence that has plagued officers for decades.

The barracks was occupied for just two hours, but the specialists quickly set up barricades made of take-out pizza boxes, inflatable dolls and over 70,000 empty cans of snuff. Specialists also established an Entry Control Point (ECP) manned by a kidnaped private first class, who checked CAC cards while duct-taped to a chair and wearing only basic training-issue undergarments, sockless combat boots, and a horse-head mask. He was later removed under suspicion of being in the cavalry branch.

But during the short-lived occupation, a dispute broke out between the OBAZ organizers and E-4 TDYers from Fort Carson who wanted to rename the occupation the Hood Occupied Barracks Autonomous Gathering, an honorific term bestowed upon the indigenous people of nearby Killeen. HOBAG advocates posted signs with the alternate name, which initially confused undercover agents who thought there were two simultaneous occupations.

This misinformation caused commander-in-chief President Trump, and the U.N., to delay executing a JADE HELM response, or directing chemtrail strikes on the occupiers, according to prepper specialists who had stockpiled hundreds of MREs, pallets of ammunition, and scores of Alex Jones books in in the false ceilings of their barracks rooms.

During the occupation, the well-known social justice films “A Brony Tale” and “Avengers” were shown in the CQ area. Specialists watched while munching on Taco Bell delivered by OccupyEats, and drank Gatorade liberated from a nearby shopette during a midnight cordon-and-steal maneuver exercise.

The released private called the occupation, “Awesome!” and told reporters, “I can’t wait to become a specialist! There are a lot of things I’d like to occupy, like the company commander’s spouse and the CG’s—as soon I make NCO.”

Rick Daniel and Epic Blunder contributed to this article.