Soldier Escapes Ebola Quarantine, Catches Gonorrhea

VICENZA, Italy — Army Pvt. Eric Roberts broke out of his 21-one day Ebola quarantine to hit up a bar and caught a vicious case of gonorrhea, Duffel Blog has learned.

Roberts, 19, was undergoing mandatory quarantine in his barracks room after building aid stations for Ebola-afflicted patients in Liberia. According to senior defense officals, Roberts snuck out his back window after four days of quarantine, took a taxi to the closest bar, and caught gonorrhea from a local hooker named Firefly.

“I was bored,” Roberts said, when asked to explain his actions. “It was Friday, I can drink legally here, and I want to bang a woman in every country I go to. Now it burns when I pee."

"But she was worth it," he added.

Doctors were concerned that he may have spread Ebola into Italy when he ventured into town.

“I haven’t displayed any symptoms of Ebola,” Roberts said. “I was sweating like a hog, had chest pain, and was shitting blood. Doc told me that happens sometimes and if it still hurts I should come back Monday. I figured I’d be dead by then so I figured I’d go out with a bang — if you know what I mean."

Medics were willing to let Roberts come to sick call after hearing he had contracted gonorrhea. “This is a disease we know how to treat,” Cpl. Max Salmon said. “I have a lot of experience treating this on, uhh, other people. People who love Firefly even though she never calls them back.”

Sources report that Firefly is experiencing Ebola-like symptoms but believes it’s just another case of the soldier crud.