PHILADELPHIA, Pa. — A recent archaeological study commissioned and funded by the United States Army has yielded a surprising discovery just east of Front Street in Philadelphia, Penn. Some military historians are calling this the most astonishing military-themed find since the unearthing of the Terracotta Army in rural China.

The dig has uncovered evidence suggesting that Tun Tavern — the beloved institutional Mecca of the United States Marine Corps — was an active gay bar when the Corps’ first officers used it to recruit the original Continental Marines in 1775.

“This find has confirmed what many of us suspected for years,” said the study’s NCOIC, Army Sgt. 1st Class Craig Mangas. “It’s apparent, regarding the nature of current Marines, that they’ve evolved from some sort of ultra-queer genome.”

The original Tun Tavern burned down in 1781 and the space is now shared with Interstate-95 where it passes along Penn’s Landing. The initial goal of the dig was to locate any physical clues that…