Army stunned to learn Fort Hood had commander

FORT HOOD, Texas — Following the announcement that the U.S. Army had removed Maj. Gen. Scott Efflandt from command of Fort Hood, sources report that leading up to this action senior Army leaders had been shocked to learn that there was a commander there in the first place.

From a prostitution ring, to missing soldiers, to financial fraud, Fort Hood and the surrounding vicinity have been a hotbed of recent criminal activity and alleged leadership negligence. It reached the point that senior Pentagon commanders had assumed that most senior leaders at Fort Hood must have been among the numerous soldiers to have gone missing.

Maj. Bob Davis, who assisted a Pentagon Advance Team sent to the post to establish a command presence, described the operation that revealed Fort Hood’s leadership was still present on the post.

“Based on everything that had occurred at Hood over the past year or so, we didn’t take any chances,” he said. “We sent in a company to secure the headquarters building, as we assumed it had been abandoned or possibly occupied by hostile forces. It was quiet, except for a few tumbleweeds drifting down the street and some wild dogs. The soldiers secured each room, but we were surprised when we found the commander’s office occupied by Maj. Gen. Efflandt.”

Not only was the commander present, but the surrounding offices had evidence that an entire leadership staff was active.

“This kind of blew our minds,” admitted Davis. “I mean, Fort Hood is a huge installation, right? Big posts like this come with big problems, but damn. You can understand our confusion rolling in and finding out that someone was in charge and still things are as jacked-up as they are.”

“It was awkward,” said newly appointed commander Maj. Gen. John Richardson IV. “I burst in there behind the advance team and there was Efflandt on the phone. At first I was like ‘Who the hell are you?’”

“When he said that he was the commander, I thought ‘no way.’”

“I mean, come on,” said Richardson, gesturing out the window at the post.

With Richardson now in command of Fort Hood, Efflandt will assist until investigators determine whether Efflandt’s leadership warrants punitive action, such as promotion to the rank of lieutenant general and/or retirement with full benefits and a lifetime pension.