Army Teams Up With Whole Foods To Offer Non-GMO Soldiers

FORT BENNING — In response to the growing criticisms surrounding Genetically Modified Organisms (GMOs), the Army has teamed up with long-time sustainability champion Whole Foods to offer organic, Non-GMO soldiers produced straight from infantry training, according to a press release from the food giant.

As part of this new farm-to-battlefield effort to offer infantry troops without harmful genetic modification, the Army has agreed to cease controversial practices regarding the planting, fertilizing, and harvesting of soldiers and replace them with more sustainable alternatives. For example, recruits’ DNA will no longer be spliced with that of kodiak bears to make them more aggressive, and artillerymen will no longer be given humps “just for looks.”

“It’s really been an educational process,” post Command Sgt. Maj. Ted Guffin said. “We really had no idea that cloning soldiers or giving them giant bat wings to replace parachutes was harmful to them. Whole Foods has really opened our eyes to a lot of things.”

Monsanto, the company widely blamed for GMO contamination, deforestation, and Comcast customer service, has issued a statement strongly condemning the partnership.

“By putting a stop to practices that have been shown in peer-reviewed studies to cause no harm to anyone, this Army-Whole Foods merger is a giant setback for science, humanity, and the defense of the United States of America,” Rebecca Gerner, Monsanto spokesman and Deputy Undersecretary of Defense for Nefarious Purposes, said. “There is absolutely no clear, statistically significant evidence that creating soldier-dragon hybrids is anything but advantageous and really cool-looking.”

For now, the cooperative project is slated to continue for the next three years in a phased approach, but future details appeared nebulous. When asked how far this sustainability goal will stretch, the response was mixed.

“No, we’re not going to make them drink kombucha,” Guffin said. “We’re not monsters.”