Army to amputate soldiers' hands to prevent use of pockets

High five!

By As for Class

THE PENTAGON — The Army is going to prevent hands from entering pockets through the miracle of modern amputation, officials announced today.

"It has taken us 80 years to reach this point, but our lab of sergeant majors — or is it sergeants major? Man, that just sounds weird," said Army spokesman Lt. Col. Ronald Maroon.

"Anyways, our lab of …