Army scrambles to invent useless combat uniform before war with Iran

WASHINGTON — Lost in the nostalgia of developing an inexplicably useless combat uniform for use in an asinine war that didn’t need to happen during the 2000s, Army leaders are scrambling to come up with as stupid of a uniform as possible in time for the outbreak of an unnecessarily developing conflict with Iran, sources confirmed today.

“The Pentagon is a flurry of activity,” said one unnamed aide. “Our generals are tirelessly developing plans to equivocate the Army’s ability to win a war that will surely last decades in a country whose population has been taught to fight us to the last person for generations, and whose landmass is more than double the size of Afghanistan, but that hasn’t stopped them from brainstorming up an outrageous new uniform whose stupidity will only be outshined by the march towards this fabricated war.”

Top leaders, humiliated by several years of wearing the sensibly designed and highly effective Operational Camouflage Pattern, or OCP, aspire to outdo its predecessor, the Army Combat Uniform, or ACU, which was aptly described by thousands of soldiers as “an absurd and colossal waste of money” and “really useful if you are fighting in a pile of blue rocks.”

“We’re really aiming to blow everyone’s minds at a level that dwarfs the ludicrousness of the 2000s," said Army Chief of Staff Gen. James McConville. “I have my guys working around the clock on color combinations and fun new patterns, and we’re taking creativity even further and looking at reflective materials and bedazzling as well,” he added.

Army Command Sgt. Maj. Michael Grinston’s focus was naturally on standards and appearance.

“If this new god-awful uniform can make our soldiers look even more sloppy and unkempt than ACUs while they are being clapped at in an airport on their way home from their fifth deployment to this latest bad idea, we will have succeeded,” he said.