WASHINGTON – The U.S. Army has announced its newest line of 2020 chest candy. Secretary of the Army Ryan McCarthy revealed that the significant expansion of the badge inventory is an attempt to boost recruiting with Gen Z.

“Science shows that the only way to reach these little weirdos is to generate an unjustified feeling of self-worth by tickling the same dopamine receptors they hit when they use social media and unlock Xbox Live Achievements,” the service chief said. “So, we plan to hit them with a constant barrage of bright colors and shiny, meaningless objects to manipulate them into devoting their prime years to a pursuit that will leave them riddled with arthritis and devoid of actual transferable life skills.”

Now, soldiers everywhere can exclaim with glee, “These are my awards, mother, from Army.”

“Infantry Badge” (IB)

The Infantry Badge (IB) offers a means of validation to the garrisoned soldier who has neither combat experience (CIB) nor professional skills (EIB). There is no rifle in the center because the wearer probably lost it during his last FTX. It’s still cooler than last year’s “Expert Soldier Badge” for stupid POGs.

Skater Badge (Basic, Expert, Master)

The perfect skills badge for that dirtbag in your platoon who manages to slime out of every working party, mando fun event, and even deployment (the latter earns a soldier the “Senior Skater Badge.”) The Basic badge is requirement for promotion to E-4 and the Master level is reserved for CWOs.

Combat V device added to Silver Star and Distinguished Service Cross

With every officer and SNCO getting handed an administrative “good cookie” Bronze Star, it was only a matter of time until award inflation and mediocrity creep tainted the next highest combat valor awards, requiring a small fleck of metal to distinguish the valorous from the managerial. Top Army officials have not yet announced a similar plan to devalue our nation’s highest honor, but sources say that by the year 2021, nothing will be sacred.

Scarlet Letter

Inspired by the Navy’s red service stripes for bad conduct, this scandalous ornament will brand soldiers with sordid fraternization offenses (gold star in lieu of second Article 15.) The beautiful enamel insignia can also be awarded to officers who didn’t follow the proper career path or who pissed off the wrong General.

Combat Armor Badge

It’s a little known fact that this award has actually been authorized for wear for the last several decades, but due to a clerical error, was never actually available for purchase in any PX. “Whoops, our bad,” says AAFES CEO, Tom Shull.

Navy SEAL Trident

Did you seriously think that the SEALs would miss an opportunity to draw attention to themselves? Get real.

PX Ranger

This tab is only awarded to the most prestigious storytellers the service has to offer, or at least anyone with a military ID Card and access to the uniform store. This is the only award on the list authorized for civilian wear.

Parachutist Badge

Like a reissue of a once-loved vinyl, this antiquated relic will just never be as cool as it once was. A large-scale combat jump in the modern age is about as likely as another charge of the Light Brigade. But congrats on being good at falling down five times.

Runners Up:

Most Improved Cord – Even the platoon whipping boy deserves a win every now and again

Best Hair Medal – Aviators, duh.

Special Forces Badge – When a beret, a tab, and a patch aren’t enough

Most Awards Award – Gotta collect ‘em all

"As For Class" contributed to reporting