CARLISLE BARRACKS, Pa. — The Army War College formally welcomed its latest class of future brutal dictators this week, a spokesman announced this morning.
“We are very pleased to inaugurate our newest class of terrorists, communists, and up-and-coming anti-American tyrants,” said spokesman Lt. Col. Tam Nguyen. “In twenty years, when we are fighting three or four of these psychotic despots, we will really be happy to count them among our former matriculants.”
The War College has a long, proud history of teaching megomaniacal autocrats the finer points of warfare. It counts among its alumni such shining stars as Manuel Noriega, Idi Amin, and Slobodan Milosevic. (Khalid Sheikh Muhammad did not physically attend courses at the Carlisle campus, but took satellite courses from a sister school in Greeley, Colorado.)
Whether it is blatantly stealing UN grain shipments meant for their own citizens, or raping and cannibalizing their own cabinet Arslan-style, sources say these future heads of state will certainly benefit from the organizational and leadership skills they learn here at this fine U.S. military school.
One such student is Lt. Col. Tomislav Vucic, of the People’s Democratic Republic of Serbia.
“I am very look forward to having, eh, how you say, back pussy rape with my opponent in the election for Minister of Defense upon my return to glorious fatherland,” said Vucic. “I have learn many enjoyment method for which to visit utter suffer upon our stinking peasant citizen populace peoples.”
“I must utmost agree,” said Democratic Republic of Zambia student Supreme Vizier Frederick Kaune. “If not for the boon source of many multiple writings in the library of the United States War College, I would not know how exactly human sweetmeats should be prepared. Now, when I return home to my palace, I shall know exactly how to instruct my chef to prepare the human flesh for my consumption. My 35 children shall dine on only the finest Algerians!”
Other students, such as Exalted Islamic Republic Of Turkey’s Field Commander Abdallah al Damasi, are focusing more on the ample tourist opportunities rather than academic pursuits.
“We have plenty of time to learn how to defeat the American infidel,” said al Damasi, “and soon enough I will report my observations and exact measurements of the installation to my bosses at Saudi intelligence. But right now, Allah be praised, Dane Cook is doing a show in Philly. This might be my last chance to see him — within five years, Inshallah, the whole world will be under the Caliphate, and all comedy, music and smiling will be banned — so I am going to see him now, while I can.”
“Also, go ISIS!” al Damasi added while flashing a peace sign.
The foreign class is scheduled to graduate in early 2015, whereupon the students will return to their various countries, ready to lead military coups and vicious subjugations of civilians.