Advice Column: Ask a Deserter

Ask a Deserter is a semi-regular advice column where you can get advice from the very worst of the military. Here you can get any of your questions about turning into a pathetic coward and ruining your life answered from someone who has done it before.

“Thug life” decided the military wasn’t for him after being separated from his family for the entirety of Air Force boot camp. He spends his days begging for change on the side of the road. His life has never been better.

They say it’s hard to get a job without an honorable discharge. Is that true?

Oh no, it’s real easy. McDonalds doesn’t do any background checks until you move up to cashier. After they fire you, move on to Burger King or Taco Bell. Once you run out of options you can always join the French Foreign Legion like I did. I’m shipping out in a month, I’m going to see Africa!

My Chief yelled at me for sleeping through muster. What should I do?

You shouldn’t put up with that, it’s blatant abuse. Don’t show up to work for at least a week. That’ll show them. If you get caught you can just tell your CO what your Chief said and you’ll be off the hook.

Which college will take more transfer credit, University of Havana or Zimbabwe College?

Don’t even worry about college man, you’re an American. You go to any country in the world and you’ll be like a genius over there. Just go over there and speak English and they’ll hire you as a professor in a heartbeat.

I have a TS/SCI clearance and access to nuclear launch codes. If I go AWOL will they look for me?

Oh no, don’t worry about it. If someone runs they just wait until you get pulled over for speeding or something. They’ll find someone to replace you. Sell those codes to the Russians, they’ll pay bank.

If I go AWOL do I get to keep my clearance? I have a great contracting job lined up after I get out.

I have a better idea. Tell the company you want out and they’ll pay you to smoke weed. It happened to my friend. He was out in three months with a dishonorable discharge and making six figures the next day.

I am eighteen, blonde, DD, and a believer in making love, not war. I admire your beliefs and convictions to stand up for what is right. Would you like to meet? I prefer public areas with few exits and a clear line of fire.

I’d love to. What’s your number? [Editor’s note: Thug Life included a picture of his penis. Editorial removed the image. It was very small.]