Newsletter in the barracks: ‘Veterans totally slaying ass on university campuses'

THE BARRACKS — An anonymous newsletter recently posted in the barracks is starting to make the rounds on social media and states veterans should attend four-year universities because co-eds totally want to bone rugged men.

The letter states that military veterans should apply as soon as possible in order to attend college immediately upon leaving the service, and compares university culture to an unending deployment to Thailand.

The Base Public Affairs Officer said the newsletter has nothing to do with base policy and does not represent the views of the Armed Forces. However, he noted that as a former enlisted guy he was buried in so much ass in college that he had to move off campus during his second semester.

The newsletter, which went viral just days after a similar viral newsletter from The University of Colorado called for veterans to banned from campus, reads as follows:

A four-year, traditional university is supposed to be a place of learning, of understanding, of safety and security. However, it’s really a non-stop frat party much like a four year liberty port in Bangkok, Thailand.

Veterans usually stand out on campus whether they are full or part-time students. Co-eds of the school tend to gravitate to vets because of the air of danger and excitement around them.

Many veterans mock the concept of safe spaces and victimhood. This is because we’ve been taught to not allow ourselves to be victims or wallow in self-pity. Furthermore, we’ve been socialized in a military culture where members give up their individuality and are forced to work alongside battle buddies of all races, creeds, and sexual orientations.

We’ve been permanently marked by years of annual training classes on sexual harassment, sexual assault, equal opportunity, violence prevention, and the list goes on. Many times our mere presence makes other students feel safer. Thus, they totally want to bone us.

Students are often overwhelmed by a veteran’s force of personality. Women love confidence, which is probably why veterans on campus can’t leave their room without tripping over naked bodies.

Veterans on campus will often find they are the targets of logical fallacies. These accusations are usually made by douchebags who are upset that no woman wants to sleep with a weak, whiny, self-indulgent tool bag.

Being confronted by someone more powerful and virile than they are doesn’t stoke the fire of competition as it would in anyone who has a bias for action. Their reaction will be to castigate veterans as jack-booted Nazis despite all evidence to the contrary, and then have a hissy fit when vets refuse to bend the knee to their asinine ideologies.

That is not to say these milquetoasts should not be allowed an education. Veterans should tolerate their presence despite their penis envy.

After all, a free and open society is what we fought for.