BOSTON, Mass. — Biblical scholars at the Boston University School of Theology made a momentous announcement earlier today: King David of Bethlehem, the ancestor of Jesus Christ known for slaying the giant Goliath and being a "man after God's own heart", was — in fact — the first "Jody" in documented history.

"They say history rhymes with itself, but even I couldn't have imagined that the 'Jody' tradition could be traced back that far back," said Dr. Nathan Profeta, a professor of divinity and an Air Force Reserve chaplain.

Confirming the suspicions of troops and veterans everywhere who practice an Abrahamic religion, the youngest son of Jesse and monarch of the United Kingdom of Israel and Judah has been demonstrated to be the earliest-known military-spouse seducer, beating the previous Roman-era claimant, Josephus Molaris (Joseph the Grinder), by more than 850 years.

"This is a huge deal for biblical and military historians alike, and the evidence was right there all along," Dr. Profeta…