Biden: Civilian Drone Deaths Totally Worth It

The following is an opinion article by the Vice President of the United States, Joseph R. Biden.

America, it's come to my attention that there has been a fair amount of ill-will toward our administration for the dramatic increase in drone strikes abroad and the possibility of using said strikes on United States soil. I know you may not want to hear this from me, but the fact is the government needs to protect you from terror, and we've found that the most effective way to do that is by terrorizing others with the cold fear of death from above.

Most of the mail I receive is about the wanton killing of innocent civilians with these drones. This is a great concern, mostly because I forgot my address was public, but I'm glad you brought it up regardless. I promise that while there are many causes for mistakes, these accidents are completely unavoidable and certainly worth the cost in the end. For example, sometimes we're just unsure whether the targets are terrorists or average joes.

Think about it. You see a tan-skinned guy in the Middle East who wears a turban and goes to large meetings at a mosque a couple times a week, what's your first thought? The same as ours: "He must be a terrorist." And when our drones hit those guys, killing the children in his house is usually strictly unplanned. However, I'd like to remind you that no one's entirely certain that terrorism isn't genetic. If our purging of "terror DNA" has made the world a better place, and I'm pretty sure it has, then all casualties are totally worth it.

Another bugaboo with you ungrateful peasants involves the use of drone strikes against Americans on U.S. soil. So here's a question for you, folks: if your neighbor was a homegrown terrorist, would you sacrifice your life in a missile strike to incinerate that house and everything near it? You bet you would, and you'd do it for America. How else are we going to make sure he doesn't kill you and your neighbors? The numbers suggest that as long as each civilian death eliminates one or more of their armed operatives, we're gonna win this thing in the long run. And that logic, my friends, is a big fucking deal. It's what separates us from the terrorists.

The point I want to get through your plebeian skulls is that the Commander-in-Chief drives this country in the direction he believes best and I, for one, am willing to ride shotgun. If you don't like it, you can just vote for someone else who holds the same opinions we do.