CINCINNATI, Ohio — During a campaign swing through Ohio this week, former vice president Joe Biden promised that if he is elected president, he will let “the troops decide” where the United States should invade next.

“For too long, political leaders from both sides of the aisle have used the military in questionable adventures overseas, often in the pursuit of ambiguous strategic goals,” said Biden to supporters. “That’s not likely to change, to be honest. But what we can change is how we choose where we’re going. Who here wouldn’t rather invade, say, Rio de Janeiro for some sweet oil instead of Fallujah.”

“Come on man,” he continued. “Iraq and Afghanistan are important partners in combating global terror, but no one in their right mind has ever said, ‘You know where I want to spend our vacation this year? Kabul.’ Our troops are tired of this malarkey.”