Biden solemnly reflects on where he was when the flying things hit the— uhh, you know, c'mon man

At least he didn't check his watch?

By Whiskey Fueled Tirade

PENTAGON — President Joe Biden delivered a moving speech marking the 20th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks to the custodian cleaning the ninth corridor restroom on the Pentagon’s third floor, sources confirmed today.

“I remember where I was on 11/11,” Biden said somberly. “When the flying things hit the— you know, the big buildings, and the Huns signed the armistice so the other doughboys and I could all go home.”

Biden, who appeared to be confusing the 9/11 terrorist attacks with the agreement that ended World War I on November 11, 1918, was born in 1942 and never served in the military. But, he added, the U.S. had accomplished much since Sept. 11, 2001.

“Let me be clear: we got our justice from the heinous attacks that Al Jazeera carried out on our people,” Biden continued. “Our forces kicked them out of Afghanistan. And in 2011, the president and I— and some Navy SEALs— took out that son-of-a-bitch Oba— Osama, in Pakistan.”

Though Biden initially stated that he advised then-President Obama against authorizing Navy SEALs to raid the Abbottabad compound, he later claimed to have passed a note to Obama, asking him to check a box if they were still friends and telling the President to go with his instincts. 


“And though I never supported nation-building in Afghanistan,” Biden said, “we worked alongside the Afghans for 10 more years, affording them the opportunity to improve security and develop governance, before I ordered our forces to gallantly sneak out of the country in the middle of the night.”

Nearing the end of his speech, the president focused on the message he intends to convey to any would-be partners and allies in the future.

“As Americans, we keep our promises,” Biden said, glancing briefly at his watch. “We told the Taliban we would be out of their country by August 31st, and by God, we were, desperate Afghans in the wheel wells and all.” 

After concluding, Biden gave the bewildered custodian an awkwardly long hug and thanked him for his service before walking out of the restroom. 

“We are all fucked,” the custodian told reporters. “I voted for him and all, but he was supposed to be the safe choice, you know, after the last guy. With Afghanistan falling apart, inflation rising, and COVID spiraling out of control, I’m wondering if he’s really up for this job.”

“Also, I’m pretty sure he was smelling my hair when he gave me that really creepy hug.” 

Whiskey Fueled Tirade is an Army guy, small time strategy grifter, and command climate change denier. He’s a trailer park ex-pat living large in a house without wheels. Follow him on Twitter @FueledTirade

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