JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Washington – Specialist Michael Webb elected to remain on post this past weekend rather than attend a protest in nearby Seattle citing concerns over police violence towards minorities. Webb, who is Black, feels much safer remaining on post where there are no real cops, only MPs.

“I see images of police brutality online more and more frequently and I can’t help but think, that could be me,” stated Webb. “I guess I’m just lucky to live somewhere without real police, just Paul Blart Mall Cops.”

Spc. Webb is not alone in feeling this way. An Army-wide survey found that 54 percent of all soldiers, and 89 percent of minority soldiers, feel safer on post due to the lack of real police presence. Moreover, all 46 percent of soldiers who did not feel safer on post are currently stationed at Fort Hood.

Survey respondents repeatedly noted that, “The only dangerous chokes we expect these weirdos to know involve a belt, a porno mag, and a barracks roommate who’s gone over the weekend.”

As tension continues to ratchet up between minority communities and police departments nationwide, military bases are becoming unwitting models for community policing.

Politicians point out that most military police units have fewer up-armored and mine resistant vehicles than a standard small town police force. Additionally, rather than conducting “stop and frisk” type operations, most MPs instead spend most of their time cruising around in Ford Explorers handing out speeding tickets for going 4 mph over the speed limit.

“We’re definitely already defunded,” says Sgt. Daniel Hitchings, an MP on Joint Base Lewis-McChord. “I had to come out of pocket just to get these ballistic Oakley’s that make me look tough while I’m doing gate guard.”

When asked whether not being real cops help the MPs make soldiers feel safe however, Hitchings suggested anyone who feels that way can “eat a dick,” and offered to write them a “very real ticket,” likely for an infraction like not wearing a reflective belt.

Off the Beaten Path contributed reporting