MOYOCK, N.C. — Blackwater U.S.A., a private contracting firm which protected State Department officials when it wasn’t threatening to kill them, has murdered its exemplary record of being a wonderful company only serving the best interests of the nation, sources confirmed today.

“A Blackwater employee told someone he would kill them if they started digging into their contracts,” said Norm Goldman, a military analyst at the Brookings Institution, referencing a recent article in The New York Times. “This type of thing is so sad. It really tarnishes Blackwater’s exemplary record of providing security for a reasonable price and abiding by laws in and out of war zones.