WASHINGTON, D.C. — National Security Advisor John Bolton on Wednesday cited his avoidance of going to war in Vietnam in response to criticism that he is a warmonger intent on starting military campaigns in Venezuela, Iran, and over 100 other countries, sources confirmed today.
“If I like war as much as you all say I do, wouldn’t I have jumped at the chance to take part in one, instead of joining the reserves to avoid being deployed?” Bolton challenged reporters during a press conference on Tuesday.
Bolton went on to reference his distinguished record of not going to war, sources said. He presented reporters with a copy of his Yale 25th Reunion Book, in which he wrote that he avoided service in Vietnam because he “had no desire to die in a Southeast Asian rice paddy.”
However, Bolton was quick to clarify that comment had nothing to do with his feelings about other people dying in a Middle Eastern desert.
"I absolutely hate war. War is a last resort, which is why I am calling on the Venezuelan and Iranian regimes to change their tune or we will bomb them back to the stone age."
"We, meaning, other people of course," Bolton clarified. He also told reporters that he only wanted to start wars with 87 countries as well as the headquarters of the United Nations — a far cry from the 100 possible military campaigns he's reportedly been planning since elementary school.
President Donald Trump made a surprise appearance during Bolton's press conference and made a brief statement. This display of unity was meant to counter reports that the two men had butted heads over whether to manufacture a justification for invading Iran or to dispatch with pretenses and just send it.
"John and I are very good friends. He’s a very fine friend of mine. We’re Vietnam-Era friends, actually," Trump said. "But let’s not forget that no one dodges the draft as well as I do. Everyone tells me I’m the best, really, at that sort of thing.”