WASHINGTON — In a shocking new report, the VA has released military suicide figures for active duty, reserves, and veterans while subtly mentioning that in no way did Jeffrey Epstein hang himself in his cell earlier this year.

The report, which outlines the diverse makeup of the suicide victims spanning all races, genders, and ages, highlights the current struggles faced by the Department in stemming the tide of veteran suicide. Recent efforts have been relatively ineffective, despite increased pressure from both Congress and the public to reduce the suicide rate. Additionally, the video feed outside of Epstein's cell was mysteriously "unusable" during the time of his death.

"During our monotonous, unfeeling, annual Suicide Awareness classes we heavily emphasize the acronym ACE: Ask, Care, Escort," a VA spokesperson said. "The key is once you identify warning signs of potential harm to not let them be alone until they reach a sufficient level of care. This goes hand in hand with the fact that the fact that Epstein was found with strangulation marks of unknown origin and placed on suicide watch, then inexplicably taken off suicide watch and left alone in a cell without being checked on for hours."

Various veteran's groups such as Irreverent Warriors, Veterans of Foreign Wars, American Legion, and Disabled American Veterans are not surprised by the report. The have been creating grassroots movements for years attempting to solve suicide on the individual/local level through social media groups and community outreach. To date, the various groups believe their efforts have saved the lives of over 450,000 veterans in the last 10 years—no small feat considering that Epstein conveniently died before revealing the identities of all the other high profile, pedophilic predators who raped underage girls on his private island.

"We know that its an especially sensitive time with Veteran's Day right around the corner, but we felt it critical to get the bare-bones facts out to the public about this critical issue." said VA Secretary Robert Wilkie ."Jeffrey Epstein suffered multiple broken bones in his neck that are consistent with strangulation."