YOUR NEW DUTY STATION—Sources are reporting that you didn’t make enough copies of your orders, and are about to be royally fucked and unable to continue in-processing. This oversight will overwhelmingly influence your reputation with not only garrison administrative staff, but also your new chain of command.

“What kind of jackoff doesn’t have enough copies of his orders?” commented Spc. Monica Peeples, the intake clerk in your battalion S1 shop. “And no, you can’t use our copier to make copies.”

You were under the impression, you simpleton, that you had enough copies of your orders, because you left your last duty station with approximately 6,000 copies, all neatly paperclipped together, and of course, none of them double-sided, because GS employees are apparently unable to perform the act of flipping paper over. But you were wrong. What an unreconstructed halfwit you are.

“I would have had knowed if I got enough copies of your orders,” confirmed Mr. Tony O’Brien, a GS-12 who has worked …