TRANQUILITY BASE—Fifty years after the first moon landing, astronaut and former Air Force pilot Buzz Aldrin has demanded that he be allowed to retrace his steps and look for his missing space canteen.

“I’ve been getting my Medicare checks docked for years,” said Aldrin, nibbling on mint chocolate dehydrated ice cream in preparation for his upcoming trip. “NASA CIF is bullshit. How can a space canteen cost $800,000?”

Sources report that Aldrin, who has a doctorate from MIT, failed in his attempt to wrap a canteen bought at the Army Navy surplus store in tin foil and get a bitter, bearded Vietnam vet in a trucker cap at space CIF to accept it.

“And it’s not like they ever properly paid my travel voucher,” he continued. “238,900 miles times 53 cents a mile ads up to fuck you, NASA CIF.”

“Those bastards tried to pin me with losing a flag as well,” said Aldrin. “Luckily, that was on Neil [Armstrong]’s hand receipt. Not to start rumors here, but I’m not completely sure that he’s dead.”

“I think …