FORT LEE, VA — A soldier who graduated basic training two weeks ago has accepted a position as BuzzFeed's senior military advisor, submitting his first article to the publication titled "18 Things You Should Know About Army Life."
Private Jarod Washburn, 18, now attending U.S. Army Transportation School, wrote the incredibly insightful article while home on leave after basic training. Like most BuzzFeed articles, it's written in a list format complete with animated GIF images ranging from one featuring soldiers firing rifles in combat to kittens masturbating to Beyonce music.
"Every time you speak, you have to shout at the top of your lungs," writes Washburn in his first point. "Then you have to finish your sentence with Sir! or Drill Sergeant!"
Washburn goes on to list other points, to include that "cool guys wear Army or unit apparel at all times" and advises fellow soldiers that they should "remain humble but point out your military service at every opportunity."
Like other BuzzFeed articles, photos to go along with list numbers 7-18 were copied from other sources without credit. The cover photo for the story was a picture of an attractive woman in a camouflage bikini to get more views.
5. Sometimes you see high-ranking officers, like Colonels (but pronounced kernel lol!)
Whenever you see any officer, you should immediately snap to the position of attention, smartly salute, and yell the greeting of the day at the top of your lungs. This will ensure that you are showing the proper respect to brave officers who are the backbone of the U.S. military.
6. When you check in to your training command, you have to bring your mattress to the front desk to get it stamped.
This is really important. As we were told before leaving basic training, you don't want to be the one to forget. A first impression is a lasting one! Also, don't get a haircut before you check-in. They want you to use their official unit barber.
Washburn closed out his list with insight into the action a future soldier can see in their career. "Anyone can go to Ranger School as soon as they check into their first command," he writes for number 18. "After that, it’s only a few years until you can go to Delta Force. I’ll be there soon."
Spurred on by his success, Washburn is now writing an article titled “General Mark Welsh III Sucks — Written by A Military Insider.” The article will contain at least two facts, one of which is the correct spelling of Gen. Welsh's name.