Captain goes missing after disappearing up VIP guest lecturer’s butt

FORT BRAGG, N.C. – The Army Criminal Investigation Division is investigating an Army officer's apparent disappearance into a visiting professor’s rectal area in a case of extreme ingratiation gone awry, sources confirm today.

Capt. Dexter Edwards disappeared during a reception held after the 3rd Brigade, 82d Airborne Division hosted University of North C…