FORT BRAGG, N.C. – The Army Criminal Investigation Division is investigating an Army officer's apparent disappearance into a visiting professor’s rectal area in a case of extreme ingratiation gone awry, sources confirm today.
Capt. Dexter Edwards disappeared during a reception held after the 3rd Brigade, 82d Airborne Division hosted University of North Carolina political science Professor James Niles for a lecture on counterterrorism complexities in Afghanistan. Junior officers surrounded Niles and complimented him “like a school of company-grade suckerfish latching their lips onto a shark,” according to Sgt. Maj. Paul Stewart
Stewart said that Edwards pushed through the group and cornered Niles “with way more determination than he ever showed in his duties.” Talking over others, Edwards praised the professor for the lecture’s content, its underlying theory, his speaking voice, cadence, life choices, taste in suits, and colorful yet still professional socks.
“He must have been angling for a job at UNC because he agreed with every, single point the professor made, no matter how crazy,” said 1st Lt. Neal Mason. “Like, that national leaders should develop a practical way ahead for Afghanistan based on national security interests and the realities of Afghan political dynamics, as if that will ever happen.”
Attendees noted that Edwards called Niles a “visionary” and his points “prescient.”
"When he used that term, his ass-suck fest attained the level of fine art," said Mason.
Most officers and sergeants turned to discuss more conventional topics including strippers and mixed martial arts fighting. But 1st Lt. Eliza Scott remained near the pair.
“Edwards really laid it on thick, which was a real accomplishment among that bunch of expert butt-snorkelers,"Scott said. "His sucking up was so powerful it generated air movement. I mean, dust storms in Al Anbar province don’t have as much air pressure. He talked so much shit that he eased right into the professor’s ass. It was mesmerizing, like watching a magic act or one of those videos where a python swallows a goat.”
Attendees noticed that Niles appeared uncomfortable, “like he ate a bad burrito,” according to Scott.
“I heard Edwards droning on about his respect for academia. Sounded like he was somewhere in the professor’s lower intestine,” she added.
Although it is CID policy not to comment on open investigations, officials confirmed that this is the third case of a captain disappearing up someone’s ass this year.