THE PENTAGON — Gen. James Amos, Commandant of the Marine Corps, is currently pacing up and down the halls of The Pentagon, sweating visibly and muttering to himself, sources told Duffel Blog reporters today. Apparently worried about the results of his pending Career Designation Board, Amos has reached out to his vast personal support group of nearly four “friends,” widely considered the best term for people who can still read his name in print without scowling or swearing loudly.

“My Jimmy called me this morning at about nine,” revealed one such acquaintance, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear for her reputation. “He was fussin' and cursing up a storm about, 'Toxic Leadership this' and 'Improper Command Influence' that. So I tried to help calm him down."

“I offered to read him his favorite bedtime story, which has worked ever since he was my darling little 'Baby Blue Falcon.' But he just kept going on and on about how worried he was about this test for the Marines. My Jimmy's a Marine, don't you know.”