HOUSTON — Lt. j.g. Evan Summerlin has told shipmates and relatives that he is currently suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, a source involved in the investigation reports. Summerlin recently pulled a seven hour work day filing investigation forms, emailing case pictures, and scheduling meetings.

“I used to love coming to work,” Summerlin said. “I used to chat it up with Bridget in Admin, try to beat my high score on Temple Run, and still have enough time to pretend to know what I’m doing. Now I have to do this thing called ‘work?’”

Summerlin joined the Coast Guard in 2010, where he pretended to be busy at the Marine Safety Office in Portland, Maine, before being transferred to the very busy Sector Houston in 2015, according to sources.