Report: Sun to be in your eyes during change-of-command ceremony

SAN DIEGO — According to sources, Coast Guard Sector San Diego personnel will hold a change of command ceremony on base today at 1100 this morning. However, the whole crew in formation will be staring directly at the blazing sun for the entire 6 hour duration.

Incoming Commanding Officer of the Sector Capt. Mikael McGriff will take over for Capt. Jonathan Spaner. Both have planned to speak for more than an hour about the well-being of the crew and how the strength of the Coast Guard is in its people.

Meanwhile, everyone’s eyes will be burning through their skulls as hours worth of UV rays are blasted directly at their faces.

In addition to the incoming and outgoing officers, Rear Adm. Todd Bailey, District Eleven (D11), will participate in the event as the guest speaker and overseeing officer.

With his back turned to the sun, he'll manage to speak glowingly about his experience with Capt. Spaner with a straight face as the entire crew contemplate passing out because smashing their heads on the asphalt couldn’t possibly be worse than listening to this blowhard, as their pupils suffer from second-degree burns.

Several reports have confirmed that more than a few crew members will have a mean itch on their crotch while various others are expected to have a mosquito sucking blood right out of their arm.

Sources have not said whether or not a random “boredom boner” will appear, though it seems likely given the duration of the ceremony.

Sector San Diego is made up of more than 562 active, reserve and civilian personnel who will all be subjected to an onslaught of abject bullshit while they wish sunglasses were authorized in formation.

“I’m excited to hear what the new commanding officer has to say,” Petty Officer Blair Norling told Duffel Blog. “In addition to day-dreaming of having sex with Margot Robbie, praying for rain, and pretending I’m a pretty flower who needs direct sunlight in order to bloom and be noticed for my gorgeous colors.”

The change-of-command is a custom that follows strict military protocol and is designed to reinforce the respect for the continuity of command that is essential to military organization.

The culmination of the ceremony is reached when both officers read their orders, face one another, salute and transfer responsibility for the command. This provides the entire command with the knowledge that the ceremony is almost over and they can finally take a piss.