By The Shammer

THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense’s headquarters was swept by chaos and confusion this morning after Gen. Mark Milley, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, conducted a no-notice health-and-wellness check of the on-post barracks, sources confirmed today.

“Oh shit! Move out of the way, guys!” yelled a half-dressed, pot-bellied lieutenant commander as he ran past, carrying a NERF gun and a blow-up doll. “Big-wigs are here, and they don’t look too happy!”

Met by the sight of numerous confused and panicked residents who were not expecting their presence, Milley and Senior Enlisted Advisor to the Chairman Ramon Colón-López walked into the barracks lobby with no forewarning, causing officers and senior NCOs alike to “scatter like roaches,” according to one witness. The gunnery sergeant on watch nervously greeted the visiting party and showed them the entries in the shift log, buying time for everyone else to run and hide.

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Dozens of barracks rats in various states of u…