BEIJING — In the wake of the massive data breach that led to millions of security clearance applications to be transmitted to China, Beijing has announced that they are holding open applications for U.S. intelligence personnel.

"The application process will be easy," Zhang San Li Si, the Chinese architect of the project, said during a press conference that was forcibly broadcast via classified US intelligence computer systems. "We already have your SF-86s and we also have the Office of Personnel Management's evaluation of them. All you really need to do is download this PDF to your desktop and click 'open.' Don't forget to email it to all of your friends!"

The call for applications has resulted in a scramble throughout the U.S. Intelligence Community as IT and HR departments work together to try and simultaneously stem the tide of malware and stop the hemorrhaging of qualified intelligence personnel.