China’s Terracotta Army reaches 100% compliance on mandatory training

WASHINGTON — Pentagon leaders are concerned and totally jealous after China announced that its famed army of 8,000 terracotta sculptures has completed every course of the People’s Liberation Army mandatory web-based training.

Col. Marcus Bullock, spokesperson for Army G-3 Training branch, said that China has a long tradition of stifling levels of bureaucracy similar to Army Regulation 350-1 and other regs throughout the DoD.

“Remember that it was the great warrior-philosopher Sun Tzu who said, ‘Know yourself and Composite Risk Management, and you shall win 100 battles,” Bullock said.

This puts the U.S. in the unenviable position of potentially facing an adversary armed with knowledge of substance abuse programs, information awareness, resiliency, and other similarly critical warfighting skills. “This is an alarming level of lethality for the Terracotta Army,” Bullock said.

Some Army leaders find the achievement amazing. But most soldiers say China's experience proves mandatory classes are utterly impossible to complete while executing any other activity, like actual missions, family life, or bowel movements. Experts estimate that the Terracotta Army was only able to accomplish its mandatory training by remaining absolutely motionless since their formation over 2,000 years ago.

The U.S. Army has never reached the same level of compliance. In 2017, one aviation company reached 80 percent after forbidding soldiers from leaving their workstations for a full month. Immediately afterward, the company’s re-enlistment rate plummeted while alcoholism, divorce, and stripper marriages soared.

“We think it was worth it for the amaze-balls readiness” said Bullock.

Other experts see long term strategic impact. “An entire army of terracotta soldiers who completed the Traffic Safety Training Program is a formidable opponent,” said Dr. Renee Casey of the National Defense University, “this certainly makes China a military peer with the U.S.”

Many soldiers remain optimistic. Reports also indicate that 100 percent of the Terracotta Army soldiers plan to desert if they are ever ordered to take the Cyber Awareness Challenge again.