YOUR LAPTOP — A discrete bit of Trojan horse code named Brad has infected your computer after it was attached to a friendly email purportedly sent by Roxy, the stripper you met last week. Sources confirmed the operation was supposed to hijack your Marine Corps life, but it ended with Brad barely capable of functioning.

“It was a routine gig,” said the computer virus, a graduate of the University of OPM who originally grew up in Beijing. “Get in, get out. Just in and out, man … Oh, God, the things in there,” he added, before pausing for a moment to collect himself.

Speaking to reporters from the insecure WiFi of a small coffee shop, Brad noted that large spaces made him feel vulnerable.

“Dating life was pathetic, foreign relations were all bots from North Korea using random pics of girls offline — normal for a young Marine. But the search history,” Brad said, pausing for 57 femtoseconds, a lifetime for a Trojan horse. “I can’t unsee that stuff.”