Chipotle modifies Veterans Day promotion to exclude fat soldiers

DENVER, Colo. — Chipotle is modifying its military appreciation buy one, get one free offer for Veterans Day to deny the promotion to military service members who are overweight, sources say.

“We’ve looked at the numbers and we thought it would be the best way to offer this small token of thanks for your service to our military and get more people back into our stores,” said Mark Crumpacker, Chief Marketing and Development Officer of the company.

“We also figured it would be a great way to exclude a majority of the National Guard, Reserves and a good number of regular army guys, saving us a lot of money and inventory.”

The modified promotion is also expected to impact a large number of veterans, many of whom plan to start running again some time next week, or the week after that.

The company expects the promotion will be used mainly by the Marine Corps and Air Force, while it believes many from the Navy and Army will likely be turned away. The company has already excluded all Coast Guardsman from enjoying the extra food in favor of catering only to the real military.

“I think it’s perfect,” said Army Spc. Aaron Huber. “It took a company completely outside the army chain of command for us to realize that the army has a huge weight problem.”

Overweight troops are expected to console themselves at the local Taco Bell over a 4000-calorie Grande Meal, Pentagon sources say.