New staff officer chow hall serves nothingburgers, self-licking ice cream cones

FORT LEE, Va. – In a new trial program being tested at the Logistics Warrior Center of Excellence, staff officers will finally be able to eat some of the foods they can’t stop talking about.

“Two hour meetings that run through the lunch hour are especially hard, since everyone keeps talking about food,” said Capt. Clark Eggleston, a planner with the 56th IBCT S3 shop. “Now, after I ride the cheese grater, I can get cheese.”

The program is focused on developing nothingburgers, the staff officer favorite for sharing with higher ups and subordinates alike. The burgers are served on disposable paper “slides” with a selection of toppings.

“The grab-and-go line had an actual bag of dicks!” said Eggleston. “Now when the Commander tells me to go eat some, I’ll know where to go instead of having to send out an RFI.”

Soup sandwiches have grown in popularity with the operations NCO crowd who grew up with them through the ranks.

Natick Labs stepped up for the project, testing design after design for the self-licking ice cream cone, now available in flavors like vanilla and snowflake. The self-licking lollipop isn’t far behind, sources said.

The first chow hall theme night, “goat rodeo,” was so successful that gagglefuck, cat herding and clusterfuck nights are in the works.

“The program has been more successful than we ever imagined,” said Michael Johnson, program manager. “People used to tell us that staff officers would only spend their lunch drinking coffee and screaming about master slide formats. Now, they love it here as long as we don’t tell them how the sausage gets made.”

If the program is successful, the Maneuver Center of Excellence plans to establish parks where staff officers can check azimuths, huddle, hit the wickets, tighten shot groups, check left and right limits, and touch bases.