Opinion: The CIA Did Not Torture

The following is an opinion article written by Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria.

I'm sure you've heard about the details in the so-called "CIA Torture Report" released by the U.S. Senate on Tuesday morning. With many coming out against "enhanced interrogation techniques" — some would even call it torture — I thought it important to debunk what I really think is just hooey.

Sure, the CIA took many of my brothers into custody at secret black sites for rough interrogations to garner information about future attacks. Hell, even I was questioned myself when I was in Iraq. But what I keep hearing is people portraying this as some rogue operation and the CIA was out of bounds.

The bottom line: The CIA did not torture, and trust me, I know torture.

The program was authorized at the highest levels, and it was built on solid legal footing. Just like when my low-level fighters make kafirs stand on broken legs to get them talking, or keep them awake for 180 hours straight to teach them proper Sharia justice — authorized by my decree in the Islamic State — it's legal.

Sometimes you need to get your hands dirty if you want to prevent mass casualty attacks. If that means shoving hummus up a detainee's ass, then so be it.

While I strongly disagree with the infidels at the CIA, the agents with histories of violence and mistreatment of others who worked at the infamous Cobalt "black site" in Afghanistan deserve a lot of praise. They ought to be decorated, not criticized.

In fact, if you happen to know any of them, ask if they'd be willing to consult for the Islamic State. We have competitive benefits.