Delayed military mail-in ballots clinch the election for Lincoln

“The legal votes of every brave soldier must be counted,” said Kayleigh McEnany.

By Bull Winkle

HARRISBURG, Pa. — Election officials in Pennsylvania confirmed the final count of thousands of mail-in ballots from Union Army soldiers today which ensured a second term for President Abraham Lincoln.

Republican Party leaders and the Trump campaign quickly claimed that Army ballots should count for the 2020 election despite the fact that every single voter is dead.

“The legal votes of every brave soldier must be counted,” said Kayleigh McEnany, press secretary for The White House and the Trump Campaign. “They were clearly intended for the Republican Party, and it’s not the soldiers’ fault that government mismanagement interfered with their will.”

“The military really loves me,” Trump wrote on Twitter. “Always have. Probably because of that accelerated Gatling Gun development thing. That was on my watch.”

Historians agree that military absentee ballots were critical in the close 1864 election between Lincoln and his Democratic Party opponent, former Gen. George McClellan, though Gen. Sherman’s capture of Atlanta in September 1864 has boosted Lincoln’s leadership standing. The Trump campaign draws a direct connection between the two elections, separated by only 156 years.

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“President Trump’s leadership and strengthening of the military led to the Union Army victory,” said a Trump campaign statement. “And in case anyone forgot, the Confederates at Atlanta were defending their Southern way of life, and totally not the institution of slavery.”

Poll watchers analyzed the ballots for signs of election interference. Records indicate that it was in the battleground county of Erie County, Pennsylvania, where the government lost track of the votes. The loss occurred because county telegrapher Thomas Houlihan spent election day 1864 drunk in an Erie tavern frequented by Irish workers and failed to transmit the results.

Experts are not counting his actions as interference, calling it typical behavior for Irish-Americans in the 17th, 18th, 19th, 20th, and 21st centuries. Houlihan was later promoted to chief telegrapher for Erie County.

Neither the Lincoln nor McClellan campaigns have released statements, though election watchers are monitoring Twitter for McClellan’s concession.

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