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The Duffel Brief · the free edition, Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Vol. 15 · No. 136 · Friday, 13 November 2026

Navy & Marines

Marine with extremely low IQ thrilled by switch to Super Intelligence

Marine Corps announces major technological advancement requiring millions of dollars in new signage and PowerPoint slides

Homeless veterans receive 10% off cardboard boxes this Veterans Day

Hegseth asks staff to make next execution more like ‘The Running Man’

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Vol. 15 · No. 136

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Duffel Blog

Established 2012 · Deployed worldwide

Vol. 15 · No. 136 · Deployed worldwide

Friday

13 November 2026

1336 Zulu

Next edition Monday

← Front page
· Page 2

Delayed military mail-in ballots clinch the election for Lincoln

“The legal votes of every brave soldier must be counted,” said Kayleigh McEnany.

Filed · 0500

HARRISBURG, Pa. — Election officials in Pennsylvania confirmed the final count of thousands of mail-in ballots from Union Army soldiers today which ensured a second term for President Abraham Lincoln.

Republican Party leaders and the Trump campaign quickly claimed that Army ballots should count for the 2020 election despite the fact that every single voter is dead.

“The legal votes of every brave soldier must be counted,” said Kayleigh McEnany, press secretary for The White House and the Trump Campaign. “They were clearly intended for the Republican Party, and it’s not the soldiers’ fault that government mismanagement interfered with their will.”

“The military really loves me,” Trump wrote on Twitter. “Always have. Probably because of that accelerated Gatling Gun development thing. That was on my watch.”

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