Delayed military mail-in ballots clinch the election for Lincoln

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HARRISBURG, Pa. — Election officials in Pennsylvania confirmed the final count of thousands of mail-in ballots from Union Army soldiers today which ensured a second term for President Abraham Lincoln.

Republican Party leaders and the Trump campaign quickly claimed that Army ballots should count for the 2020 election despite the fact that every single voter is dead.

“The legal votes of every brave soldier must be counted,” said Kayleigh McEnany, press secretary for The White House and the Trump Campaign. “They were clearly intended for the Republican Party, and it’s not the soldiers’ fault that government mismanagement interfered with their will.”

“The military really loves me,” Trump wrote on Twitter. “Always have. Probably because of that accelerated Gatling Gun development thing. That was on my watch.”

Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.

A State Department map that relocated most of Africa, one ambitious government travel card, and 5,200 medical students moved from dorms that definitely do not have mold.

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