Claiming massive touchdown fraud, Navy vows to fight game results to Supreme Court

"They needed to stop counting the points, but they didn’t."

By Bull Winkle

ANNAPOLIS, Md. — After losing the annual Army-Navy football game, a coach for the Naval Academy’s midshipmen is ditching 130 years of tradition and refusing to concede the win to the Army team, sources confirmed today.

“We all know that Army only won this game by stealing it,” said Navy Assistant Coach Dirk Bagodix. “They needed to stop counting the points, but they didn’t.”

West Point hosted the 2020 Army-Navy game with attendance limited to cadets, midshipmen, and government dignitaries due to COVID-19 restrictions. Some observers thought it was the most interesting event in West Point history, at least since Benedict Arnold commanded the post in 1780.

“It is statistically impossible for Navy to rush for 52 yards in the second half and still lose,” said the coach. Bagodix called the Army team “super-duper meany cheaters” for “mysteriously” scoring most of its points in the game’s final quarter. 

“How does that even happen?” he asked.

Bagodix listed other anomalies that he says show touchdown fraud, including an ethereal mist that shrouded the venue and the banning of neutral observer fans from the stadium. He also claims a truckload of Army running backs unloaded in the Navy end zone but presented no evidence to support the claim.

“People were literally kept a football field away in a fog and couldn’t verify any touchdowns,” said Bagodix.

“Millions of viewers saw our cadets score the points, then both teams sang their dirge-like alma mater songs and shook hands,” Army Assistant Coach Laura Hudson-Highlands said. “Pretty simple process.” 

“Did Bagodix play football without a helmet as a kid or something?”

For assistance, Bagodix has hired Rudi Hairglobiani, a famed New York attorney recently readmitted to the bar after rebutting charges of practicing law while being dead.

“West Point sends several graduates to the 305th Military Intelligence Brigade,” he said, referring to the Army unit named in a disputed claim of presidential election fraud. “Coincidence, or just the usual flawed Army branch assignments process?”

Hairglobiani also promised to produce a “military intelligence expert” with fraud evidence. The witness was later revealed to be a midshipman who once registered for an emotional intelligence course, before dropping it when the girl he was trying to impress transferred to Alabama.

The attorney plans to challenge Army on The People’s Court when the 2021 season taping begins.

“We could start in civil court, but I really like seeing myself on TV,” Hairglobiani said.

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Officer on death bed wishes he'd spent more time with his training schedule

By Cat Astronaut on Dec. 26, 2019

ARLINGTON, Va. — Harkening back to his long-ago days on active duty, retired Army Maj. Todd Andrews said he wished he had spent more time with his unit's training schedule while he still had the time.

"So many opportunities lost in my youth," Andrews said. "I spent my whole life chasing these dreams of family and success, but it turns out true happiness was right there in front of me in the form of our division's long term training calendar.

"I wish I'd had the courage to look at my Microsoft Outlook calendar more often and 'reply all' to emails when I had the chance."

While Andrews said he looks fondly upon the times spent with his loved ones, he said he is most nostalgic about the long hours spent sitting in front of a computer mindlessly changing color codings and plugging in names of exercises. For Andrews, it was not just about the calendars, but about the inspiring numbing pointlessness of it all.

"Oh, what I wouldn't give to change a readiness level in [Defense Readiness Reporting System] from yellow to green one last time," he said. "I'll never get those days back."

Andrews' family has long since left him, but the training schedule has remained by his bedside for his entire hospice stay. Even though he and the calendar had been apart for years, he said he felt it was his obligation after all they had been through to leave it everything in his will.

"My old friend, I'm sorry I didn't love you like I should have when we were still young," said Andrews. "But don't be sad that I'm going. Travel the world. Take risks, as long as you've filled out your ORM matrix. One day you will meet a new staff officer who loves you like I do."

At press time, the training schedule had been deleted accidentally by a new lieutenant colonel that checked into the division.

Addison Blu contributed reporting.