Clint Lorance and Eddie Gallagher team up to launch ‘Alleged War Crimes Coffee’ brand
The best part of waking up, war crimes in your cup.
ARLINGTON, Va. — In a move designed to “roast the libs” and capitalize on an increasingly politicized coffee market, former service members Clint Lorance and Eddie Gallagher are going into business together. Their new brand is called Alleged War Crimes Coffee and, according to the company’s website, it’s for those who want to start the morning ready to murder the day.
The move comes on the heels of several veteran-run coffee companies seeking to distance themselves from the kind of far-right activists who stormed the Capitol on January 6 as well as racists, extremists, and general asshats.
The void has created a new market for vetrepreneurs seeking to capture this extremist market known for buying immense amounts of coffee to store in their doomsday bunkers and to drink with their airsoft buddies.
“What coffee needed was a take no prisoners brand,” said Gallagher. “Or well, maybe a brand that would take prisoners and then perform unnecessary caffeine scenarios on them until they are dead.”
At first glance, the two former service members make an unlikely pairing. Gallagher served for 20 years in the Navy, many of them as a SEAL Team Leader before being convicted of posing with a dead prisoner of war he had been using as a medical training aid. Lorance served in the Army first as an enlisted soldier, then as a commissioned officer, culminating in about 72 “not great” hours as a platoon leader.
The inspiration to team up came from Lorance after he heard Gallagher’s comments on the podcast “The Line.”
“The way Eddie talked about how ‘everyone was on board’ while he was committing the crimes he was accused of, really spoke to me,” said Lorance. “I thought, I’ve got to meet this guy and learn from him because my NCOs were very not cool with it when I committed my war crimes.”
The company chose “Alleged War Crimes” as their moniker despite both men receiving some level of conviction and neither denying their actions.
“Alleged refers to whether what we did should actually count as war crimes,” said Gallagher. “Because unless you were there with us in the arena living it, and are not one of the multiple people who actually were there and turned each of us in, there’s no way you could understand.”
On the product side, the company offers a variety of coffee blends featuring extremely specific names including “Turning me in for my crimes shows you are Weak Roast” and “I just said I did war crimes because my humor is Dark Roast.” The company also offers a free copy of Gallagher’s book with each order over $40 for reading or use as a coffee filter.
At launch, the brand was featured on Fox News where host Tucker Carlson lauded it as “a product for American heroes and patriots.” Carlson further clarified that Lorance and Gallagher are “the types of veterans we need, ready to meet the enemy on their level while also not being pregnant, black, or Jewish.”
The company already has plans to expand beyond ground coffee teasing products such as “Maybe we’ll find out he was a terrorist after his body is Cold Brew” and “Espresso Shots at civilians.”