The following is an op-ed written by your commanding officer.

What are you doing in my office, private?

I seriously said I had an open door policy? Sure, my door has been open a lot lately, but that’s because the air conditioning is broken and the office temperature gets unbearably hot with the door shut.

No, I would never want to hear your personal problems face-to-face. I would never have hidden that fact, or even been ambiguous about it. I meant to say “closed door” policy in the change of command speech, I’m sure of that.

You come to my office to tell me what I said?

Truthfully, you’re welcome to exercise your ability to walk over here and speak to me, and I will exercise my ability to have you disciplined for jumping the chain of command.

Your leaders are the problem?

Well, between the prostitution ring, meth lab, and human organ black market in our company, I’m up to my neck in paperwork. You’ll have to get in line. Do as Sergeant Dunnigan says and we won’t have a problem.

I’m sure your shin splints are as bad as you say, but you’re still going to be in the brigade review, whether you think it violates your profile or not.

When your problem doesn’t have legal or life-threatening ramifications, it doesn’t even show on my radar. The system is built so that you feel like you can speak to me, but you never will, and if you do, you’ll wish you hadn’t.

If you don’t like my answer, I heard the battalion commander has an open door policy, just like you’re free to step on a bear trap. I’m sure he’d be even more pleased than I am to hear your petty issues.

That is all.

Yes, get the fuck out now.