OUTER BANKS, NC — Kitesurfing may seem like a perfectly harmless activity if you’re a pretentious douche bag who wants to piss off other mariners, but if that's how you're planning to spend your weekend, make sure you keep an eye out for the U.S. Coast Guard, because they will arrest your stupid dumb face.
Coast Guard officials say it's their duty to enforce the law of being an annoying piece of shit in American waters, and since kitesurfing like a prick is under federal laws, they will arrest your self-righteous ass even if you’re in states like North Carolina where it's legal.
The Coast Guard's policy doesn't just include dipshit kitesurfers out in the waters, but also wind surfers, kayak surfers, and those idiotic stand-up paddlers who wander around aimlessly like lost cattle.
People can attempt to participate in these activities; however the Coast Guard says that they can arrest those people pretty much because they’re purely obnoxious assholes with no regard for anyone else around them.
"Just because you can’t afford a boat doesn’t mean you need to ride around on your little windy boardy powered by your blowhard personality and cut off cruise liners and drift awkwardly toward jagged rocks because you thought you were Captain Extreme," says Lt. James Dewey of the Coast Guard. “So you’re damn right we’re going to arrest your sanctimonious ass."
Dewey says that enforcement of kitesurfer laws isn't necessarily a top priority for the Coast Guard, but if the wind stops blowing and you wave down a Coast Guard boat expecting them to pluck you out of the water like some sad sack of shit, you’ll get cited.
“Our main responsibility is to assure the boating public that we are doing everything we can to protect them and maintain safety in US waters. So if you decide you want to jeopardize other people’s safety by flying around on the water on your low budget sailboat like a dweeb, we’re going to arrest you," Dewey says.
When asked for comment, the local boating community suggested that kitesurfers should maybe take up something extreme that’s little more inland, like street luging on a busy highway.