MAUI, Hawaii — As Coast Guard Station Maui’s 45’ Response Boat (RBM) pulls alongside the party boat Purple Pineapple, lead boarding officer Boatswains Mate 1st Class Joe Silva quickly looked around and exclaimed, “TURN DOWN FOR WHAT!”

Despite multiple complaints from locals, after numerous boardings the Coast Guard has found absolutely nothing wrong with this epic party going down on the Purple Pineapple. “I mean it has nothing to do with all the topless women or that the captain always provides us with bottomless Mai Tais, or even that I’ve never tried molly before.”

Petty Officer Mike Logano said neither the ship nor the crew pose any threat to public safety “unless you count tearing up a keg of Miller Lite unsafe of course.”

“We searched all the beer bongs for illegal contraband by emptying them into our …err…bilges,” Logano said.

“Nothing seems out of the ordinary,” declared Seaman Fred Warfel as he zipped up his pants coming up from the lower decks. “And in no shape or form was there any version of a coke-fueled orgy going on down there.”

There are over 40 uninspected vessels making their way in and out of Maui on a daily basis, however the station seems to have only boarded Purple Pineapple for the past week. “There’s just something fishy about this boat, I just can’t put my finger on it.” Silva said as he stood surrounded by thirty or so beautiful, drunk, bikini clad, 21 year old women who have a thing for men in uniform.

“Did I mention I love the Coast Guard?” concluded Warfel.