SEATTLE, Wash. — Facing annual budget woes for the 57th straight year, the Coast Guard Commandant yesterday unveiled a novel approach to funding its growing list of tasks: crowdsourcing.

Speaking from the deck of the USCG Cutter Midgett, a hand-me-down from the Navy that was officially classified as “dangerously un-seaworthy” in 1965, Admiral Paul Zukunft motions towards a dimly lit laptop standing in for a teleprompter.

“In seeking a permanent solution to our ongoing financial constraints, the Coast Guard has proudly stepped into the 21st Century with the addition of this truly outstanding GoFundMe charity internet page,” Zukunft said. “It’s our sincere desire that with the crushing demands placed upon our small and ill-equipped service, the generosity of internet users everywhere will propel us to be at least marginally capable of fulfilling the directives of Congress.”