SEATTLE, Wash. — Facing annual budget woes for the 57th straight year, the Coast Guard Commandant yesterday unveiled a novel approach to funding its growing list of tasks: crowdsourcing.
Speaking from the deck of the USCG Cutter Midgett, a hand-me-down from the Navy that was officially classified as “dangerously un-seaworthy” in 1965, Admiral Paul Zukunft motions towards a dimly lit laptop standing in for a teleprompter.
“In seeking a permanent solution to our ongoing financial constraints, the Coast Guard has proudly stepped into the 21st Century with the addition of this truly outstanding GoFundMe charity internet page,” Zukunft said. “It’s our sincere desire that with the crushing demands placed upon our small and ill-equipped service, the generosity of internet users everywhere will propel us to be at least marginally capable of fulfilling the directives of Congress.”
Adjusting the tin can attached to a string that was serving as a microphone, Zukunft spoke wearing a ragged uniform that has been handed down from Commandant to Commandant since 1909, proudly displaying the accolades and awards pinned on with misshapen safety pins.
Zukunft continued, “We encourage internet users everywhere to please donate within their ability. If each person we regularly rescue from certain doom due to their own reckless and idiotic behavior were to donate $1, we would be able to clothe and feed our beloved Coasties for at least the 2nd Quarter of 2016.”
While the service's mission grows every year, from maritime safety to new patrols in the Arctic to drug cartel mini submarines, additional funding and equipment has simply been left out.
“At current levels of funding, we’ll be completely bankrupt for FY16 within the next ... 45 seconds,” Zukunft says while checking his watch.
Now using a handheld bullhorn seized in a drug raid to shout at the assembled crowd following a power outage that resulted from someone aboard the Midgett plugging in a hair dryer, Zukunft became visibly frustrated, saying, “Please donate, and donate generously. For the love of God we sold our souls by having that dipshit Ashton Kutcher be our spokesman. Don’t do that to us again.”
After fielding no questions from either reporter present, Admiral Zukunft was reportedly briefed on the status of an ongoing search and rescue case for the entire Corps of Cadets at the Coast Guard Academy, who are missing after a sinkhole suddenly opened beneath the shoddy foundation and swallowed the academy whole.