Coast Guard: Our birthday was Thursday, thanks for noticing

WASHINGTON — Coast Guard Commandant Admiral Paul F. Zukunft has sent a scathing rebuke to the other services entitled “Our Birthday Was Thursday, Thanks For Noticing,” according to sources.

Despite ramping up publicity efforts The United States Coast Guard’s birthday passed without fanfare from the general public.

“We started posting a lot of Facebook type stuff about a week in advance,” said Zukunft. “There is absolutely no excuse as to why it was not shared by at least the Navy.”

“So, I sent them a memo, and I copied the Secretary's of Defense, Homeland Security, and Interior. We do stuff on inland waterways, too.”

Grand Haven, Michigan, the held the nation's only parade to honor the Coast Guard birthday. A single ride-on lawn mower painted in bold colors with a Coast Guard emblem led a small parade for an enthusiastic crowd of more than 19 people.

“We at first thought that there might be a surprise party or something planned for us” said Master Chief Steven W. Cantrell, the senior enlisted advisor to the Commandant of the Coast Guard.

“When Thursday August 4th came around and we really saw nothing, we knew no one really cared.”

On the same day the Coast Guard commemorated its birthday, President Obama celebrated his 55th birthday.

“It also didn’t help that our birthday was on the same day as President Obama’s,” said Vice Commandant Admiral Charles D. Michel. “That’s pretty pretentious and unpatriotic to steal the limelight on our birthday.”

“Thanks, Obama.”