Coast Guard 'always ready' for massive roboshark invasion

HOUSTON, Texas – Sharing the annual budget plan with the press is normally a pretty boring moment both for Coast Guard leadership and also the reporters who receive the document. But not this year, as the last item on the FY 2017 Budget Plan’s priority list raised eyebrows and questions: Finalize Preparations for Impending Massive Roboshark Invasion.

“The threat is real,” said Rear Adm. Mark E. Butt, Deputy Commandant for Operations Policy and Capabilities. “We’ve effectively funneled all our assets to make sure those goddamn Robosharks don’t enter our territorial waters and tear people limb from limb.”

Butt says, “All search and rescue planning and maritime prevention have taken a backseat until the [Coast Guard Commandant] Admiral [Paul Zukunft] deems our borders properly protected.”

The emphasis on the robotic threat has had serious implications for the Coast Guard's new National Security Cutter project.

“I told our guys to make as many torpedo launchers as possible on these new boats,” said Martin Piper, Chief Engineer at Mare Island Naval Shipyard. “I mean, it’s not me that’s in support of this. This is all coming from headquarters and they’re scared shitless of something.”

The Coast Guard has already begun performing intense exercises and training for what they’re calling a disaster on a catastrophic scale and have begun outfitting helicopters with massive explosive harpoons, Gatling guns, and laser blasters.

“Uh yeah, we don’t actually have laser blasters” said Piper, “We just crammed a bunch of laser pointers in a Nerf gun. It’s just to make these paranoid weirdos happy.”

Despite seeming like a huge waste of taxpayer money and government assets, Butt insists that the American people “will thank us later.”

“Have you seen any robosharks lately?” asked Butt. “The answer is no. You haven’t. And you’re welcome.”

Even as the Coast Guard has been struggling with funds to keep outdated cutters afloat and helicopters repaired, sources suggest the service may be trying “to overcompensate for something.”

“Everyone talks like Admiral Thad Allen was the coolest Commandant we’ve ever had,” Butt says. “They’re all like, Thadmiral this and Thadmiral that! Well did ol’ Thad see how fucked we’d be if robosharks just started fucking up our shit up and down the coast? No he didn't! But Admiral Zukunft did and we’re ready to kick some great white android ass!”